My very good friends in the NFL league office called me earlier and said “Check your email,” then hung up. Usually when that happens I get a list of the winners of the upcoming weekend’s games (all pre-detemined by the NFL’s writers & producers) This time though, they showed me the upcoming schedule for my beloved Chargers, and I have to say, there are some surprises. Check it out…
My first Yankees game was in 1978. I was almost 7. We loved that team. Thurman, Reggie, Nettles, Sweet Lou, Mick the Quick, Gator, Bucky, Goose. My dad took my brother & me. Just the guys. Mom stayed at home. We went through the turnstyle and Dad said “Wait here.” And he went off and bought a yearbook and a scorecard and a hat for us. (In retrospect, leaving two children alone in the Bronx in the 70s might not have been the best idea. ) Anyway, I remember the feeling of walking through the tunnel to the seats and seeing the giant ballpark. It was awe inspiring. Dad isn’t a sports fan, but he wanted to give us the full ballpark experience. He got us hot dogs, Cracker Jacks, soda. Everything. On the way home I threw up all over myself. My Dad jokingly said, “When we get home, run up to Mom, give her a big hug and tell her you missed her.” Justin and I thought that was really funny. My Dad said “I’m kidding. Don’t do it.” When we got home, my Mom came out and asked “How was the game?” I ran up to her and gave her the biggest hug and told her I missed her. She hugged me tight and thought it was sweet. Until she realized I was covered in vomit. My dad got in trouble.
Growing up I was a casual fan of the New York Knicks. Once the Isiah Thomas era made its impact, I have to admit, I lost interest.
On February 8, 2015 a story came out about an unfortunate exchange between Knicks owner James Dolan and a lifelong Knicks fan named Irving Bierman. It became a media firestorm.
A firestorm that gave us an idea. Two days later, I emailed Mr. Dolan simply to see if he would respond. I did some research and found an address that was attributed to Dolan and gave it a shot.
And then forgot about it.
Until he responded today.
Do I know it’s him? No. Did it come from an email address with his name at a company he owns? Yes. Did I ask permission to print the email on StangelBros.com? Yes. Was he okay with it? He wrote “Go ahead.”
Here is my email that I received today which, again, may or may not be from James Dolan, with my original note to him below. Go Knicks!
Dear Fans,
Yesterday I wrote a b*llsh*t note apologizing to you for my alleged steroid use. Ok, it wasn’t alleged. I used steroids. A lot. For like a long time. I forgot I wasn’t lying anymore.
Anyway, it felt so good to come clean, I thought of some more things I need to apologize for. This is in no particular order.
I, Alex Rodriguez would like to sincerely apologize for…
Writing Eddie Murphy’s SNL 40th Anniversary Speech
Leaking all of them Sony emails a while back
Getting my drugs from a fake doctor in an anti-aging clinic at a Florida strip mall
Playing for the Yankees, rooting for the Mets
Using a fake name when I wrote my book of erotic Gronk fan fiction
Not watching “Bravo’s ‘Girlfriend’s Guide To Divorce.” It’s today’s ‘Sex and the City.”
Telling Kanye he should interrupt Beck at the Grammys
Paying too much for my muffler
Using a selfie stick
Not going by my preferred nickname “LexRiguez”
Starting a Twitter war with @JenSelter over who has the better caboose. Sorry Jen, I still win
Never bothering to learn MLB rules
Stealing cable tv from my neighbors, Ellen and Nat Kolodney
Deflating footballs to help the Patriots
Not returning my VHS copy of ‘Cannonball Run’ to Blockbuster. It’s 12 years late. By the way, stick around at the end of the film for the bloopers. They’re priceless!
Some days, I only gave 109%
Not taking advantage of the everyday savings at Office Max
Crying every time I hear the song “Cats in the Cradle”
Eating too much sugar cereal
Still sticking with my Microsoft Zune
Mis pantalones estan en la calle con salsa de tomate
Hangin and bangin’
Being too damn handsome
It feels really good to get this stuff off my busty, steroid-enhanced chest. Can’t wait for you all to come out and cheer me at the ballpark.
Alex
We here at StangelBros.com have received this exclusive apology written by baseball great Alex Rodriguez. Any re-creation or other use of this letter without express written consent from Eric Stangel or Justin Stangel is prohibited.
Dear Fans,
This is A-Rod. I am typing this on my computer. I’m doing it by myself, because I want people to know exactly how much this means to me.
Look how quickly I can type A-Rod.
A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod.
That took like 20 seconds. You’ll have to trust me on that. And that leads me to why I’m here. Trust. It’s all we have. (I also a painting of myself as a centaur, which is pretty sweet.)
And speaking of trust, I need to get your trust back. Not just because it’s important to me, but if I don’t, then the Yankees will try to void an awesome multimillion dollar incentive contract they were dumb enough to sign when everyone knew I was using boffo pills.
This is where I break it down, people. Read this sh*t to your kids.
I’m tired of all the lying. Lying is exhausting. Sure, lying is a great use of your imagination (lesson for the kids), but it’ll sure piss off your ladyfriends. Then you have to wait like a couple of hours to meet another amazing lady. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to keep your story straight. You should always tell the truth so people know exactly what kind of bottom feeder you really are.
Can’t wait to get back on the field at third base for the Yankees this sea-. Okay, I was just told the Yankees have another third baseman. Wherever they put me. I’ll be out there. Waiting for you to cheer for me.
If you’re on Team A-Rod- come up and let me know, and I’ll pretend to smile at ya. And that’s a promise. (Adults, please don’t ask for a signature. It’s creepy and weird.)
By the way, why did they ask Jeter and not me to be on the SNL special? I’m a lot funnier than Jeter. I’ve been working on a bit about how you really got to trust a guy to let him stab you in the ass with a needle. I mean, am I supposed to take the guy out to dinner after? Oh, it would have been fantastic. Louie CK would have been jealous.
Anyway, I love you. I love me. But we all love A-Rod.
See you at the ballpark!
A-Rod
YOLO!
Back in 1995-1996 we wrote jokes for Norm MacDonald who was doing Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live.
Here are two of our first jokes
This Thursday businesses around the country will be celebrating the 4th annual “Take Our Daughters to Work Day.” Or, as producer Aaron Spelling calls it, Thursday.
Doctor Kevorkian just killed his 29th patient. He’s not a good doctor! I’ve killed less people than him, and I’m not even a doctor. He’s terrible.
Thanks Norm, and congrats SNL on 40 years.
PEOPLE WE’D LIKE TO SEE HOST THE DAILY SHOW
By Eric Stangel and Justin Stangel
JOHN DALY
TYNE DALY
BILL DAILY FROM I DREAM OF JEANNIE
LOU PINIELLA
LOU HOLTZ
REGINALD VEL JOHNSON
LONI ANDERSON
BANKSY
THE CAST OF MAGNUM P.I.
PATRICK FROM SPONGEBOB
THE GO-GOS
LIL KIM
JOHN STAMOS
DANIELLE FISHEL
BRIAN WILLIAMS
THE LADY THAT SINGS THAT FROZEN SONG
YASMINE BLEETH
JILLIAN BARBERIE
CHARO
BRUCE BOXLEITNER
TOM SKERITT
DICK ENBERG
DICK BUTKUS
RITA MORENO
DANNY TREJO
ANDREW DALY
JEFF GOLDBLUM
RHEA PERLMAN
JOHNNY BENCH
THE GREASEMAN
SQUIGGY
PHILLIE PHANANTIC
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH JUSTIN STANGEL
I was able to land an interview with Emmy Award winning comedy writer/producer Justin Stangel. You will be SHOCKED at what he had to say. (Note to news outlets: This material is copyrighted, please contact us for permission to re-print)
Eric Stangel: What are you doing?
Justin Stangel: computer- iTunes stuff.
Eric Stangel: Who is your favorite James Bond?
Justin Stangel: Sean Connery. Daniel Craig. You?
Eric Stangel: This is my interview.
Justin Stangel: Ok.
Eric Stangel: I asked for your favorite and you said 2 names. WTF?
Justin Stangel: Sean Connery.
Eric Stangel: Did Sean Connery even play James Bond?
Justin Stangel: Yes he did.
Eric Stangel: Are you thinking of Alec Guinness?
Justin Stangel: No. He never played Bond.
Eric Stangel: if you could have a Bond villain/henchman as one of your bodyguards, who would it be and why?
Justin Stangel: Odd Job. Cause he’s badass and has that crazy hat.
Eric Stangel: What was with Richard Kiel’s haircut?
Justin Stangel: No idea.
Eric Stangel: He’s dead now.
Justin Stangel: Yes.
Eric Stangel: Do you think there’s a James Bond villian/henchman curse?
Justin Stangel: Maybe. It’s possible.
Eric Stangel: Do you believe in magic?
Justin Stangel: Yes.
Eric Stangel: Ever seen a spaceship?
Justin Stangel: Yes.
Eric Stangel: If you could, would you live in space?
Justin Stangel: Yes. No question.
Eric Stangel: Anything to plug?
Justin Stangel: I’ll be at Foxwoods March 14, 15 and 16th
Eric Stangel: Doing what?
Justin Stangel: My one man show. I show the history of man in 45 min.
Eric Stangel: Thanks
Nick Hardwick announced this week he was retiring after 11 seasons as center for the San Diego Chargers. Over the years he has grinded through some tough situations. Let’s see if he’s prepared to answer “Five Dumb Questions From Eric Stangel.”
I ask the questions the media is afraid to ask. No subject is off-limits.
Here goes:
(USA Today Sports Images)
1- Eric: Nick, you’re an intimidating dude, but I heard you say you used to throw up before games. Did you brush your teeth before the game, or use your breath as a weapon?
Nick Hardwick: There was no time to brush teeth before a game. Those are tough times. In particular, I remember vowing to never eat eggs or spaghetti with meat sauce again before a game. Apparently I didn’t chew those foods as well as I should have and getting those in the nasal passage was uncomfortable to say the least. It induced more vomiting.
2- Eric: After getting injured this season, you lost 85 pounds. What high-calorie food do you miss the most?
Nick Hardwick: I used to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s nightly before bed to keep my weight up. Wow! Those were special times that I miss.
(K.C. Alfred)
3- Eric: You were a Chargers team captain. What kind of crap goes on during the coin toss? Anyone ever try to intimidate?
Nick Hardwick: Captains are in general more respectful and exchange pleasantries. However, young, disrespectful captains would oftentimes refuse to shake our hands and run off the field after they found out they were kicking off or receiving. I never understood that.
(Stu Forster/Getty Images)
4- Eric: Your former Charger teammate Kris Dielman told a lovely story about how you drank a bottle of your own urine for $1300. A guy who is willing to drink his own urine must have done something equally disgusting. Can you give us another one?
Nick Hardwick: Drinking my own urine was as far physically as I have gone. Now there’s plenty of other stories that I’m going to go ahead and plead the fifth to before I incriminate myself.
(USA Today Sports Images)
5- (two part question) Eric: Do you miss Philip Rivers’ hands on your ass? Do you think you’ll occasionally invite him over to have him put his hands on your ass?
Nick Hardwick: No comment.
Eric: (That’s not a no.) Good luck with the next chapter. Thanks for your hard work with the Chargers!
