Yesterday I wrote a b*llsh*t note apologizing to you for my alleged steroid use. Ok, it wasn’t alleged. I used steroids. A lot. For like a long time. I forgot I wasn’t lying anymore.
Anyway, it felt so good to come clean, I thought of some more things I need to apologize for. This is in no particular order.
I, Alex Rodriguez would like to sincerely apologize for…
Writing Eddie Murphy’s SNL 40th Anniversary Speech
Leaking all of them Sony emails a while back
Getting my drugs from a fake doctor in an anti-aging clinic at a Florida strip mall
Playing for the Yankees, rooting for the Mets
Using a fake name when I wrote my book of erotic Gronk fan fiction
Not watching “Bravo’s ‘Girlfriend’s Guide To Divorce.” It’s today’s ‘Sex and the City.”
Telling Kanye he should interrupt Beck at the Grammys
Paying too much for my muffler
Using a selfie stick
Not going by my preferred nickname “LexRiguez”
Starting a Twitter war with @JenSelter over who has the better caboose. Sorry Jen, I still win
Never bothering to learn MLB rules
Stealing cable tv from my neighbors, Ellen and Nat Kolodney
Deflating footballs to help the Patriots
Not returning my VHS copy of ‘Cannonball Run’ to Blockbuster. It’s 12 years late. By the way, stick around at the end of the film for the bloopers. They’re priceless!
Some days, I only gave 109%
Not taking advantage of the everyday savings at Office Max
Crying every time I hear the song “Cats in the Cradle”
Eating too much sugar cereal
Still sticking with my Microsoft Zune
Mis pantalones estan en la calle con salsa de tomate
Hangin and bangin’
Being too damn handsome
It feels really good to get this stuff off my busty, steroid-enhanced chest. Can’t wait for you all to come out and cheer me at the ballpark.