Justin & Eric… And you.

We here at StangelBros.com have received this exclusive apology written by baseball great Alex Rodriguez. Any re-creation or other use of this letter without express written consent from Eric Stangel or Justin Stangel is prohibited.

Dear Fans,

This is A-Rod. I am typing this on my computer. I’m doing it by myself, because I want people to know exactly how much this means to me.

Look how quickly I can type A-Rod.

A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod. A-Rod.

That took like 20 seconds. You’ll have to trust me on that. And that leads me to why I’m here. Trust. It’s all we have. (I also a painting of myself as a centaur, which is pretty sweet.)

And speaking of trust, I need to get your trust back. Not just because it’s important to me, but if I don’t, then the Yankees will try to void an awesome multimillion dollar incentive contract they were dumb enough to sign when everyone knew I was using boffo pills.

This is where I break it down, people. Read this sh*t to your kids.

I’m tired of all the lying. Lying is exhausting. Sure, lying is a great use of your imagination (lesson for the kids), but it’ll sure piss off your ladyfriends. Then you have to wait like a couple of hours to meet another amazing lady. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to keep your story straight. You should always tell the truth so people know exactly what kind of bottom feeder you really are.

Can’t wait to get back on the field at third base for the Yankees this sea-. Okay, I was just told the Yankees have another third baseman. Wherever they put me. I’ll be out there. Waiting for you to cheer for me.

If you’re on Team A-Rod- come up and let me know, and I’ll pretend to smile at ya. And that’s a promise. (Adults, please don’t ask for a signature. It’s creepy and weird.)

By the way, why did they ask Jeter and not me to be on the SNL special? I’m a lot funnier than Jeter. I’ve been working on a bit about how you really got to trust a guy to let him stab you in the ass with a needle. I mean, am I supposed to take the guy out to dinner after? Oh, it would have been fantastic. Louie CK would have been jealous.

Anyway, I love you. I love me. But we all love A-Rod.

See you at the ballpark!

A-Rod

YOLO!